Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
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