I look better un-naked...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize