happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
