is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
