plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
