Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
