I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
