maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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