i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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