my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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