just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
