my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
