just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My feet surprised me
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
