i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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