I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
