My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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