After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
