Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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