she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
