Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
