i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
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