My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
