so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
