If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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