Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
