He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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