i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Randomize
