I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Randomize
