I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
