textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
