I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Randomize
