I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
