Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Is it because I queefed?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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