Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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