Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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