This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
