she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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