this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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