i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
