Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
and she was petting her beer can
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
