It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
