He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
