i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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