if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
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