My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize