moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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