We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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