Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
