Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
