I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
