I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
