You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
never play flip cup with pint glasses
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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