do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
