you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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