please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
