my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
someone owes me an orgasm
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
