Someone shit on the floor
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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