My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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