The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
