I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
