also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
