I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
