That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
