She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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