you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
