i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
