ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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