just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
