I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
