I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
