If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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